My Faith Story...

I was raised in a Catholic family. I was baptized, received my First Communion and was Confirmed through the Catholic church. For a lot of people that is full of emotion and meaning, for me it felt pretty flat. I could recite the entire mass by heart but had no idea of the meaning or purpose for any of the rituals that were so burned into my memory. I wanted to have faith. I wanted to believe that there was a God. I remember the first time I really talked to God. It was the morning after I was told that my grandfather had lung cancer. I was 8 years old and sat by myself, begging God to let my grandfather live. I promised to be a good girl if He would just give me more time with my grandfather. Grandpa had surgery and went into remission but so began a long line of empty promises made by me to my God. Dear God, if you give me a little brother… Dear God, if you make that boy notice me… Dear God, if only I was a better athlete, student, daughter… Dear God, if you help me to not hate myself… In April of 1994, my grandfather passed away, and so did any hope I had that My God was even listening anymore. I felt that He knew that my promises were empty… and so did I. I spent the rest of my teenage years being bitter, angry and sad. I fought with my parents every chance I had. I withdrew from being an active part of my family. I would hide out in my room and look for any possible opportunity to get out. I was a good enough person to stay out of trouble… but tested a lot of boundaries. I married at 19 and thought that my life was a dream. Sure, he would drink a little too much and occasionally did drugs but he “loved” me…which turned into “I can fix him”… and eventually became “if he would just hit me, at least I would be able to fight back!” I finally realized at 24 that I had to get out. Find out who I was… and who I wanted to be. My whole world changed the day that Bryan walked into my life. I knew he was “religious”. I even warned my friends not to use profanity around him and to be respectful as so not to say anything that would make him uncomfortable. I was intrigued by his faith and his story but did not really dig too deep because I did not know how comfortable I would be with his truth. It was as if I knew his God, I would have to admit all of my faults. At that point in my life, speaking the words “I am a sinner” was not something I was willing to do. My life went on like that for some time. In 2004, our 1st son was born, and that is when it hit me… I had been living my life in such a selfish manner. The doctor put this tiny being in my hands and I looked into his precious, clouded eyes. At that moment I knew, I KNEW that there was something… someone so much bigger than me. I was this child’s mother not by chance but by this grand, amazing plan that was written and set before I even came to be. To be honest, this has been a long journey for me. Though I knew that there was something bigger than me, realizing that Jesus was my Savior and Redeemer was more of a process. If I had to pick one pivotal point in my walk it would be 2 years ago during one of Nathan’s messages. He said, “the question is not ‘am I too broken for God?’, the question is ‘am I broken enough?’.” That statement took residence in my heart and helped me to understand that He loves me despite my brokenness and that I will forever be His child. There really is no greater love than that of a parent for their child. I can completely relate and understand that kind of unconditional love, that bond, that covenant because I feel it for each of my children. So, here I am, 34 and anticipating the arrival of our 6th blessing. I am not bitter, I am not angry, not sad… I am completely full. I now realize there has never been emptiness in the promises that He has made for me. Nor will there be emptiness in my promise to Him. I have finally accepted the fact that I am not perfect… but I don’t have to be perfect. I am exactly who I am supposed to be… I am enough.

Not to toot my own horn or anything...

...but "TOOT, TOOT"!!!

I have lost 3.4 lbs in 2 days. Only 12.1 lbs. to go until I reach my first goal!

Starting Weight: 311 lbs.
Today's Weight: 307.6 lbs.
First Goal Weight: 295.5 lbs.

ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE????

Because I am...

For far too long I have been in this battle with my weight... but even more than that, myself.

I am not an idiot, I know that I am overweight, I have known that... well, forever. I think that my biggest problem is that I am addicted to food. If I am feeling good, I eat. If I am feeling blue, I eat. If I am bored, I eat. See a pattern here?

It HAS to stop right here. I can not do this anymore. My body is slowly starting to fail me... and I am realizing that I am getting old.

The other night I was eating a bowl of Peppermint Ice Cream and thought to myself, "what in the hell are you doing? Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you doing this to your children?"

So it stops right here. I just signed up for Weight Watchers. I am not sure how it is going to happen and I can not promise immediate results but I can promise that I am going to give this my all. I have no other choice at this point.

I am going to be honest, one of my biggest fears in life (other than something bad happening to my children) is that they would be subject to ridicule because of having an overweight mommy. I would hate to have my children feel embarrassed or be put in the position of defending my poor decisions. I also want to be able to enjoy playing outside with them. Which right now, I can't and choose not to do. That is not fair to them!

Anyway, today is the first day of this grand adventure for me. It will not be all sunshine and roses but it WILL be worth it. I am doing this for my family. I am doing this for my health. Most importantly, I am doing this for me... and the "me" that I know I can achieve!

What is my problem?

I wish that I could tell you why I am writing a blog at 12:09 am... but I can't, because I really have no clue.

Book work for my meeting tomorrow is complete, house is cleaned up, why am I not sleeping? I now realize that there are way more things on my mind than I really want to think about and it is next to impossible for me to stop thinking about them.

At Awana tonight, we had missionaries from Cabo San Lucas there talking to the children. They showed pictures of the church that they are building and the community that they are teaching. I looked at Quentin's face as they were speaking and it was a look of complete awe. When I turned to Zoe, she was just smiling at the pictures of the children on the screen. And so... this is what I am thinking. What if I had the chance to give them a life changing experience? What if I could shake them to the core? Yes, they are young, I realize that but what if...

So, I have decided I HAVE to take them to Cabo San Lucas to the place that they are building this church. I am going to show them how wonderful it feels to teach other people about the love that they have in their heart. I am going to work with my children to help build this church. We are going to share this experience because for some reason, I have not been able to stop thinking about it.

It isn't going to happen tomorrow, but it is going to happen.

Deep Breath In... Cleansing Breath Out

Yesterday, I was put in the position of defending my faith. Yeah, I know... it was surreal.

I consider myself to be pretty easy to get along with. Some people may disagree but that is probably because we don't get along... go figure. I have been very blessed this last year to have a lot of really amazing people come into my life. When I say AMAZING, I mean life-changing kind of amazing. I do my best to be a good friend. I listen when they need an ear. I offer help when help is needed. I enjoy celebrating milestones and successes with them as well sharing mine with them. I have offered up some of my life experiences and an occasional fart joke from time to time... you know, the important stuff.

I have NEVER asked someone to defend their faith, beliefs or moral compass before. I have always tried to be very understanding that we do not all share the same story and that is what makes us awesome. I mean sure, when you watch the news and all of the horrible things that are happening in the world, you question that... but not people who you have chosen to let into your life.

It got ugly. My ears were red, my hands were shaking... ugly. I could not believe that someone could be that disrespectful, even after I had asked for it to stop. Today, now that some of the emotion (anger) has passed, I realize that my responses to the ignorance was like beating a dead horse, pointless. To the point that I am embarrassed that I even responded. I do not apologize for the things I said. I meant every single word... still do.

So, here I am... pensive and slightly scorned. I am very proud of myself for standing up for my faith. I am even more proud that I have my faith to stand up for. I am so thankful for the amazing people who I have opened up to and allowed into my heart. Even more so, I am thankful for the toxic people I have forced out of my life.

Thank you for the messages and phone calls. I apologize for the drama. I can not promise that it won't happen again but I can promise that I will ALWAYS stay true to who I am.

WTF is wrong with the world today?

I am wondering why it is that people become so bitter and cynical? It is my opinion that this cynicism is the reason that the world is the way it is right now. I am not naive, I know that there are people that are going to screw others over because that is who they are... but not everyone is like that. It makes me sad for the future... for my children.

I was watching the news with Quentin yesterday. We were about 15 minutes in to the broadcast when Quentin turned to me and said, "there really is no good news, is there mom?". I laughed and said, "no son, it doesn't seem so, does it?". Murders, fires, death, cancer, recessions, recalls, accidents, abuse, theft... that was all in the first 15 minutes of the broadcast. How is it possible that there is not one single positive thing to report on? What is this teaching my son?

I'll tell you that I work my ass off to show my children that there is love and happiness in the world. To show them that there really is good out there but maybe I am sheltering them? Not preparing them for the reality that waits for them out there? I am scared to death about what they are going to face in 5, 10 even 15 years. It is a mother's natural reaction to want to protect her children... but I am not sure that I am that strong. It makes me wonder if I am just setting my children up to fail. As a mother, this is a horrible feeling to have.

No Cussing Club?

Okay you know I am going to have a lot to say about this...

So, last night on Modern Family, a two year old drops the f-bomb like 7 times. I have to admit that I find this hilarious... mostly because it has happened to me before. Well, there is some club called the "No Cussing Club" which is now protesting the episode. Really?

Honestly, I think that people have way too much time on their hands when they feel the need to protest things on television. If you don't like it, don't watch it. Plain and simple. You do not have the right to protest something this ridiculous... there are children in this country that are dealing with some real issues like poverty, abuse, abandonment... etc. Taking a stand against swear words seems rather petty to me.

Those of you that know me understand that I have a big mouth... and usually this mouth is filled with some colorful words. I rarely edit myself, even in front of my children. Yes, I agree that this is not the best idea but... it happens anyway. I suppose it happens because I know that Bryan and I are great parents and our children have been taught the difference between right and wrong. I am not going to lie, there will be slip-ups but those are so few and far between, it is a non-issue.

Yes, 2 days ago, while at a friends house, Zoe told Quentin to stop being a pussy. To be fair though, that is probably because he was, in fact, being a pussy. I am not proud that she used that word. Yes, I find it hilarious... but we did have a discussion. I asked her if she knew what that word meant. She gave me her definition (which was WAY off) and I explained what it meant and how it could hurt someone's feelings. She now understands it is not a nice thing to say to people (despite the fact that mommy says it.. a lot) and I am confident that she will not say it (unless Quentin decides to be a pussy again) to anyone else.

No, I am not going for parent of the year here. However, I KNOW that I am a good parent. I KNOW that every single day my children know that they are loved, they feel safe and they are confident, respectful, good children. Really, what more could you ask for? I am not going to stop swearing in front of my children because that is not me... that is not who I am.