On Sunday, at church, I was talking with my new found friend Amy. Bryan was playing in the band this week, so it was just Zali, Zannah and I in the lobby trying to grab bits and pieces of the message. Amy comes over with her son Micah (4 weeks old) sleeping in her arms. She asked how my week was, as I asked her and then she sat next to me. She said, "When did you come to know Christ?" To which I had no idea how to respond.
I was raised Catholic. I was baptized, had my first communion and confirmation. That has complete meaning for some and for others, we just don't really know what that entails. A perfect example of that is when my Grandmother last came out for a visit, I took her to mass on Sunday morning. I could still recite the entire mass word for word... but had absolutely no idea what any of it meant. After mass, we got in the car and headed for home. I said to my Grandma, "well, not much has changed." She replied, "what is supposed to change, A.J.?"
I was almost embarrassed when talking to her about my faith. This was a woman who helped to shape much of my spiritual beliefs until that point... and I felt like I had done wrong by leaving my Catholic faith behind. I tried to explain my reasons to her. Tried to tell her how it felt when I went to our church, I felt like the Word was being spoken to me and only me. How liberating it felt to actually understand the words that were in The Book. My Grandmother stopped me from speaking and simply said, "A.J., God doesn't care where you go to talk to Him, He only cares that you talk to Him." 2 weeks later that amazing woman passed away. I will never, ever forget what she said to me and I know that there was purpose behind her words.
I spent much of my life as a hard-headed woman. Okay, maybe I am still holding on to that. I lived my life believing in God and when I needed Him, I would pray. Anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that I have a dirty mind and an ever dirtier mouth. It may have been the day I found out I was pregnant with Quentin or some time during that pregnancy that I really started to look inside myself. I knew for sure the day I held my son that there was something bigger than me. At that point, I knew that I needed to investigate more. If not for me, for my son.
As I said before, going to church was empowering for me. I was a bit intimidated because Bryan knew the Bible inside and out... but he never made me feel like it was wrong that I didn't. I got more involved in the church, tried to find some "friends" and tried to make a go at it and find my real spiritual self.
Then life happened. Zoe came along and added even more for me to try to juggle. Between working full time and the kids, my faith was set on a back burner. I did a few Bible studies and would feel full again... but that would disappear before I knew it and I seemed to forget how good it felt to be "full".
When Zoe had her first seizure, I was grasping for anything that I could to understand why and thought maybe it was because I was not a good enough Christian. I became obsessed. I begged God. I tried to make a deal with Him. If he would protect my baby, I would stop swearing, I would stop living my life as I had. I would do anything... and then there was no more seizures... so the promises became empty.
So, here I am... 4 children and an amazing husband... my life is so full, busy, every moment that I am awake. Somehow with all of that I still feel empty. I give, give, give all day long and get nothing in return. I understand that this is how life as a mom is. I get that being a mother is the most under-appreciated job... ever. That does not make it acceptable. That does not make what I am feeling, the emotional emptiness, okay or go away.
I went to a Beth Moore simulcast on Saturday. It was about insecurity. I have to be honest and say that I did not want to go, I actually thought of ways to get out of it. Zannah needs me or it was Bryan's day off... but I still ended up going. I AM SO GLAD THAT I DID. Once again, it was as if the word was being spoken right to me. I will get into the content of the simulcast later but for now, just know that I am writing this because I need to feel full, feel understood like I did on Saturday. This will hopefully help me to keep my thoughts straight, well as straight as MY thoughts can be and will help me find some answers for my questions.
