My Faith Story...

I was raised in a Catholic family. I was baptized, received my First Communion and was Confirmed through the Catholic church. For a lot of people that is full of emotion and meaning, for me it felt pretty flat. I could recite the entire mass by heart but had no idea of the meaning or purpose for any of the rituals that were so burned into my memory. I wanted to have faith. I wanted to believe that there was a God. I remember the first time I really talked to God. It was the morning after I was told that my grandfather had lung cancer. I was 8 years old and sat by myself, begging God to let my grandfather live. I promised to be a good girl if He would just give me more time with my grandfather. Grandpa had surgery and went into remission but so began a long line of empty promises made by me to my God. Dear God, if you give me a little brother… Dear God, if you make that boy notice me… Dear God, if only I was a better athlete, student, daughter… Dear God, if you help me to not hate myself… In April of 1994, my grandfather passed away, and so did any hope I had that My God was even listening anymore. I felt that He knew that my promises were empty… and so did I. I spent the rest of my teenage years being bitter, angry and sad. I fought with my parents every chance I had. I withdrew from being an active part of my family. I would hide out in my room and look for any possible opportunity to get out. I was a good enough person to stay out of trouble… but tested a lot of boundaries. I married at 19 and thought that my life was a dream. Sure, he would drink a little too much and occasionally did drugs but he “loved” me…which turned into “I can fix him”… and eventually became “if he would just hit me, at least I would be able to fight back!” I finally realized at 24 that I had to get out. Find out who I was… and who I wanted to be. My whole world changed the day that Bryan walked into my life. I knew he was “religious”. I even warned my friends not to use profanity around him and to be respectful as so not to say anything that would make him uncomfortable. I was intrigued by his faith and his story but did not really dig too deep because I did not know how comfortable I would be with his truth. It was as if I knew his God, I would have to admit all of my faults. At that point in my life, speaking the words “I am a sinner” was not something I was willing to do. My life went on like that for some time. In 2004, our 1st son was born, and that is when it hit me… I had been living my life in such a selfish manner. The doctor put this tiny being in my hands and I looked into his precious, clouded eyes. At that moment I knew, I KNEW that there was something… someone so much bigger than me. I was this child’s mother not by chance but by this grand, amazing plan that was written and set before I even came to be. To be honest, this has been a long journey for me. Though I knew that there was something bigger than me, realizing that Jesus was my Savior and Redeemer was more of a process. If I had to pick one pivotal point in my walk it would be 2 years ago during one of Nathan’s messages. He said, “the question is not ‘am I too broken for God?’, the question is ‘am I broken enough?’.” That statement took residence in my heart and helped me to understand that He loves me despite my brokenness and that I will forever be His child. There really is no greater love than that of a parent for their child. I can completely relate and understand that kind of unconditional love, that bond, that covenant because I feel it for each of my children. So, here I am, 34 and anticipating the arrival of our 6th blessing. I am not bitter, I am not angry, not sad… I am completely full. I now realize there has never been emptiness in the promises that He has made for me. Nor will there be emptiness in my promise to Him. I have finally accepted the fact that I am not perfect… but I don’t have to be perfect. I am exactly who I am supposed to be… I am enough.

Not to toot my own horn or anything...

...but "TOOT, TOOT"!!!

I have lost 3.4 lbs in 2 days. Only 12.1 lbs. to go until I reach my first goal!

Starting Weight: 311 lbs.
Today's Weight: 307.6 lbs.
First Goal Weight: 295.5 lbs.

ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE????

Because I am...

For far too long I have been in this battle with my weight... but even more than that, myself.

I am not an idiot, I know that I am overweight, I have known that... well, forever. I think that my biggest problem is that I am addicted to food. If I am feeling good, I eat. If I am feeling blue, I eat. If I am bored, I eat. See a pattern here?

It HAS to stop right here. I can not do this anymore. My body is slowly starting to fail me... and I am realizing that I am getting old.

The other night I was eating a bowl of Peppermint Ice Cream and thought to myself, "what in the hell are you doing? Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you doing this to your children?"

So it stops right here. I just signed up for Weight Watchers. I am not sure how it is going to happen and I can not promise immediate results but I can promise that I am going to give this my all. I have no other choice at this point.

I am going to be honest, one of my biggest fears in life (other than something bad happening to my children) is that they would be subject to ridicule because of having an overweight mommy. I would hate to have my children feel embarrassed or be put in the position of defending my poor decisions. I also want to be able to enjoy playing outside with them. Which right now, I can't and choose not to do. That is not fair to them!

Anyway, today is the first day of this grand adventure for me. It will not be all sunshine and roses but it WILL be worth it. I am doing this for my family. I am doing this for my health. Most importantly, I am doing this for me... and the "me" that I know I can achieve!

What is my problem?

I wish that I could tell you why I am writing a blog at 12:09 am... but I can't, because I really have no clue.

Book work for my meeting tomorrow is complete, house is cleaned up, why am I not sleeping? I now realize that there are way more things on my mind than I really want to think about and it is next to impossible for me to stop thinking about them.

At Awana tonight, we had missionaries from Cabo San Lucas there talking to the children. They showed pictures of the church that they are building and the community that they are teaching. I looked at Quentin's face as they were speaking and it was a look of complete awe. When I turned to Zoe, she was just smiling at the pictures of the children on the screen. And so... this is what I am thinking. What if I had the chance to give them a life changing experience? What if I could shake them to the core? Yes, they are young, I realize that but what if...

So, I have decided I HAVE to take them to Cabo San Lucas to the place that they are building this church. I am going to show them how wonderful it feels to teach other people about the love that they have in their heart. I am going to work with my children to help build this church. We are going to share this experience because for some reason, I have not been able to stop thinking about it.

It isn't going to happen tomorrow, but it is going to happen.

Deep Breath In... Cleansing Breath Out

Yesterday, I was put in the position of defending my faith. Yeah, I know... it was surreal.

I consider myself to be pretty easy to get along with. Some people may disagree but that is probably because we don't get along... go figure. I have been very blessed this last year to have a lot of really amazing people come into my life. When I say AMAZING, I mean life-changing kind of amazing. I do my best to be a good friend. I listen when they need an ear. I offer help when help is needed. I enjoy celebrating milestones and successes with them as well sharing mine with them. I have offered up some of my life experiences and an occasional fart joke from time to time... you know, the important stuff.

I have NEVER asked someone to defend their faith, beliefs or moral compass before. I have always tried to be very understanding that we do not all share the same story and that is what makes us awesome. I mean sure, when you watch the news and all of the horrible things that are happening in the world, you question that... but not people who you have chosen to let into your life.

It got ugly. My ears were red, my hands were shaking... ugly. I could not believe that someone could be that disrespectful, even after I had asked for it to stop. Today, now that some of the emotion (anger) has passed, I realize that my responses to the ignorance was like beating a dead horse, pointless. To the point that I am embarrassed that I even responded. I do not apologize for the things I said. I meant every single word... still do.

So, here I am... pensive and slightly scorned. I am very proud of myself for standing up for my faith. I am even more proud that I have my faith to stand up for. I am so thankful for the amazing people who I have opened up to and allowed into my heart. Even more so, I am thankful for the toxic people I have forced out of my life.

Thank you for the messages and phone calls. I apologize for the drama. I can not promise that it won't happen again but I can promise that I will ALWAYS stay true to who I am.

WTF is wrong with the world today?

I am wondering why it is that people become so bitter and cynical? It is my opinion that this cynicism is the reason that the world is the way it is right now. I am not naive, I know that there are people that are going to screw others over because that is who they are... but not everyone is like that. It makes me sad for the future... for my children.

I was watching the news with Quentin yesterday. We were about 15 minutes in to the broadcast when Quentin turned to me and said, "there really is no good news, is there mom?". I laughed and said, "no son, it doesn't seem so, does it?". Murders, fires, death, cancer, recessions, recalls, accidents, abuse, theft... that was all in the first 15 minutes of the broadcast. How is it possible that there is not one single positive thing to report on? What is this teaching my son?

I'll tell you that I work my ass off to show my children that there is love and happiness in the world. To show them that there really is good out there but maybe I am sheltering them? Not preparing them for the reality that waits for them out there? I am scared to death about what they are going to face in 5, 10 even 15 years. It is a mother's natural reaction to want to protect her children... but I am not sure that I am that strong. It makes me wonder if I am just setting my children up to fail. As a mother, this is a horrible feeling to have.

No Cussing Club?

Okay you know I am going to have a lot to say about this...

So, last night on Modern Family, a two year old drops the f-bomb like 7 times. I have to admit that I find this hilarious... mostly because it has happened to me before. Well, there is some club called the "No Cussing Club" which is now protesting the episode. Really?

Honestly, I think that people have way too much time on their hands when they feel the need to protest things on television. If you don't like it, don't watch it. Plain and simple. You do not have the right to protest something this ridiculous... there are children in this country that are dealing with some real issues like poverty, abuse, abandonment... etc. Taking a stand against swear words seems rather petty to me.

Those of you that know me understand that I have a big mouth... and usually this mouth is filled with some colorful words. I rarely edit myself, even in front of my children. Yes, I agree that this is not the best idea but... it happens anyway. I suppose it happens because I know that Bryan and I are great parents and our children have been taught the difference between right and wrong. I am not going to lie, there will be slip-ups but those are so few and far between, it is a non-issue.

Yes, 2 days ago, while at a friends house, Zoe told Quentin to stop being a pussy. To be fair though, that is probably because he was, in fact, being a pussy. I am not proud that she used that word. Yes, I find it hilarious... but we did have a discussion. I asked her if she knew what that word meant. She gave me her definition (which was WAY off) and I explained what it meant and how it could hurt someone's feelings. She now understands it is not a nice thing to say to people (despite the fact that mommy says it.. a lot) and I am confident that she will not say it (unless Quentin decides to be a pussy again) to anyone else.

No, I am not going for parent of the year here. However, I KNOW that I am a good parent. I KNOW that every single day my children know that they are loved, they feel safe and they are confident, respectful, good children. Really, what more could you ask for? I am not going to stop swearing in front of my children because that is not me... that is not who I am.

No, I don't wear a cape... I swear.

I went to bed at 11:30 tonight, with every intention of going right to sleep and getting a full 8 hours of sleep. My mind had other plans. Sorry, this blog is going to be a bit random, I just feel that I should explain a few things about current events in my life.

We went to church this morning. No, we were not on time... but we went, that has to count for something. We had guest "teachers" from Cabo San Lucas there who spoke on encouraging the next generation. It would have been great to sit through the entire service to hear about their story. Unfortunately, my pager went off 9 minutes after I dropped Quincy off in the nursery. He was screaming (face red, tears streaming down his cheeks) and so today, he and I sat in the lobby together. I love how much he loves me...

Bryan joined us in the lobby about 10 minutes later. Quincy gave him a huge smile, thinking of himself as very hilarious. My good friend, Amy, walked in about 5 minutes later. She is about to deliver her 5th child (see, there are people who are as crazy as Bryan and I are). It is always a treat for me when I have even 5 minutes to talk to Amy. She is so encouraging and wonderful. The best part, I don't think she even has to try to be this way... she just is. I wish that I had that ability... you know, to just be nice, naturally.

I told her about my interview tomorrow for the night cashier position at Wegmans. She got very excited for me at first and then got this very confused look on her face. She turned to Bryan and said, "what does it feel like to be married to Wonder Woman?" Bryan just chuckled and then said, "she has been pushing me to let her do this for a very long time and I just can not fight her on it anymore." Which made me really think.

Despite what you may think, I really am not crazy. It is not my goal to be completely run down and over-extended in my life. I am also not doing this to get away from my husband and children... for some special "me time"(I get plenty of "me time" when I go to the bathroom. I also get a lot of reading done in the bathroom. Coincidence? I think not). There really is a plan/purpose in this endeavor.

Not everyone knows the story of Bryan and I. There were many plot twists, a lot of pain and even some miraculous events that bring he and I to where we are right now... an "US". Bryan has helped to change my life, change my dreams and change my soul.

Before I met Bryan, I had never met someone with such an amazing heart. Yes, when we first met, his heart was crumpled and torn but I feel very blessed to be one of the people who has helped to repair that. I am so happy to see that Quentin has the same heart as his father. So loving and kind. One day, I know that he is going to make an amazing husband and father because of Bryan.

Anyway, my husband is a very hard worker, sometimes to a fault. Right now, he is not happy...to the point that he is feeling trapped. As a wife, I feel that I am failing him. I want to fix things for him. Make them better... but I too am trapped because I can't.

This is where this job opportunity comes in. I am not going to be bringing a ton of money. I realize that. However, the potential is there... eventually. Yes, it is an overnight position but that is the only realistic time for me to work. It is the only time that me going out of the home to work will not effect the children in a negative way. Yes, I am going to be tired... I am tired just thinking about it.

Right now, I feel that exploring this opportunity is what I NEED to do. It is my way of helping my husband. Though it is not going to happen right now, eventually this could be something much more and it can potentially put us in the position that we can depend on my salary to maintain our household. If/when that happens, Bryan can find what it is that he is passionate about. He can find what he needs to make his heart feel whole again. Something that is going to give him the confidence and help him to realize how amazing I already know he is.

I have done my research, Wegmans is an amazing company to work for. The hiring process is extensive and there are many interviews and steps to being hired. Please know that for as many hoops as I am having to jump through, the company will be jumping through an equal amount of hoops. This has to be a "right fit" for me and my family to make this work. If at any point I feel that my children or my family are suffering because of my position, it will be over.

I have not lost my priorities, quite the contrary. If anything, this will make me work harder and appreciate the time that I have with my children so much more. Right now, we have a great system that is working for us. I am confident that with a small amount of tweaking, this new system will be equally as effective.

On a side note...

Tonight, Zoe and I had some special girl time and then I read Judy Moody to her before bed. I tucked her into bed and knelt down beside her to say prayers with her. She started her prayer, "Dear Jesus, thank you for a great day (she usually just repeats this like 5 or 6 times... I think she is not really sure what else to say). Thank you for my special time with mommy. Thank you for making her my mom."

When she was done, I said my prayer for her, kissed her forehead and went into Quentin's room. We read Captain America together and then I knelt down on the floor next to him and he said his prayer. He said, "Dear Jesus, thank you that the Giants won (at least his priorities are in order), thank you for a great weekend and thank you for my mom and how much she loves me. I hope she has a good rest."

This is my prayer for both of them:

Dear Jesus, thank you for my children. Thank you for finding your place in their hearts. Thank you for the special moments you allow me to have with them. Thank you for helping to keep them safe. Thank you for giving them the grace to realize that though I am not prefect, I am a good mommy who has always and will always love them more than life itself. Finally, thank you for allowing me to be the one who gets to love them this much.

So, now I am going to try to have that good rest that Quentin so graciously prayed for me to have...

I give up

Wait, wait, wait... I am not hopelessly depressed, please do not worry about that. In order to tell you this story, I feel I should give you some history. Let me say that not all parties of this story will agree with everything that I say in this blog... but hey, it is my blog... so write your own if you want to disagree.

When I was 5 years old, my parents divorced. My biological father, Mike, was given custody of me (basically because my mom could not afford an attorney to fight for custody) and so, I lived with just him until I was 13 years old. It was a strange relationship between he and I. It was almost as if the roles were reversed. He went to work all day, I went to school but I also did all of the cooking, cleaning and laundry.

Mike and I were very close. He was an amazing father to me. He loved me, put me above anything else. Did his best to teach me about right and wrong. He punished me when it was necessary and he celebrated me as much as possible. I like to think that I was a pretty good kid and I was very comfortable with my life. However, when a situation would come up, we really didn't talk about it... just ignored things and hoped that they went away.

Things happened, I moved to live with my mom in CA and Mike and I slowly started to lose contact. He got married, had 2 beautiful daughters and moved on with his life... I was a teenager, with all that entails... and I was very sad. To be honest, most of my teen years were spent in misery. I hated myself. I hurt myself. I tried to push away from my family as much as I could and fight for control of something, anything really...

I feel so blessed to have Chuck in my life. He has stepped up and become my DAD. He has been there for everything. He has watched me succeed... and then helped to pick me up when I would stumble and fall. It takes a very strong man to love someone the way that my Dad loves me. He has never once treated me as if I was anything but his daughter. Even better, his family has taken me in and loved me as if I had been there from the beginning.

And now, here I am 33 years old. Wife, mother... and daughter. I am proud of my life and who I have become. I am strong, intelligent, somewhat funny and happy... but still, secretly on the inside, I am a little empty and a little sad.

I don't know how Mike can go a day, week, month with out knowing if I am okay. I am a mother now, and could not imagine not knowing every facet of my children's lives. Even more, I know that feeling will never change. Sure, I am not delusional, I know the amount that I am let to my children's lives will vary (especially when they are teenagers) but my desire to be an active part of their life will NEVER diminish. I can not help but feel anger toward Mike for abandoning me. Yes, I am an adult... but I am still his daughter, that will never change.

Did I do something wrong? It can not simply be because his wife and I do not get along. How could that possibly be the only reason that he would not want to love me? What about my children? Do I not tell them about that part of their history? Especially since Mike makes up so much of who I am. Am I not good enough? Is that it? Am I not worth the fight? How could he not want to fight for me... for us?

And even now, as the tears fall down my cheeks, I can not help but feel anger. Anger for everything that he has missed. Anger for everything that he is going to miss... all because it was not worth the fight.

Not anymore. I don't accept that anymore. I refuse to let my heart be broken again. So, I give up. At what point do I cut my losses and move on? This point. I can not let this control me anymore. I can not continue to allow myself to feel empty because deep down, I know that he won't... can't, fill that emptiness anymore... but he is my daddy.