When I was 5 years old, my parents divorced. My biological father, Mike, was given custody of me (basically because my mom could not afford an attorney to fight for custody) and so, I lived with just him until I was 13 years old. It was a strange relationship between he and I. It was almost as if the roles were reversed. He went to work all day, I went to school but I also did all of the cooking, cleaning and laundry.
Mike and I were very close. He was an amazing father to me. He loved me, put me above anything else. Did his best to teach me about right and wrong. He punished me when it was necessary and he celebrated me as much as possible. I like to think that I was a pretty good kid and I was very comfortable with my life. However, when a situation would come up, we really didn't talk about it... just ignored things and hoped that they went away.
Things happened, I moved to live with my mom in CA and Mike and I slowly started to lose contact. He got married, had 2 beautiful daughters and moved on with his life... I was a teenager, with all that entails... and I was very sad. To be honest, most of my teen years were spent in misery. I hated myself. I hurt myself. I tried to push away from my family as much as I could and fight for control of something, anything really...
I feel so blessed to have Chuck in my life. He has stepped up and become my DAD. He has been there for everything. He has watched me succeed... and then helped to pick me up when I would stumble and fall. It takes a very strong man to love someone the way that my Dad loves me. He has never once treated me as if I was anything but his daughter. Even better, his family has taken me in and loved me as if I had been there from the beginning.
And now, here I am 33 years old. Wife, mother... and daughter. I am proud of my life and who I have become. I am strong, intelligent, somewhat funny and happy... but still, secretly on the inside, I am a little empty and a little sad.
I don't know how Mike can go a day, week, month with out knowing if I am okay. I am a mother now, and could not imagine not knowing every facet of my children's lives. Even more, I know that feeling will never change. Sure, I am not delusional, I know the amount that I am let to my children's lives will vary (especially when they are teenagers) but my desire to be an active part of their life will NEVER diminish. I can not help but feel anger toward Mike for abandoning me. Yes, I am an adult... but I am still his daughter, that will never change.
Did I do something wrong? It can not simply be because his wife and I do not get along. How could that possibly be the only reason that he would not want to love me? What about my children? Do I not tell them about that part of their history? Especially since Mike makes up so much of who I am. Am I not good enough? Is that it? Am I not worth the fight? How could he not want to fight for me... for us?
And even now, as the tears fall down my cheeks, I can not help but feel anger. Anger for everything that he has missed. Anger for everything that he is going to miss... all because it was not worth the fight.
Not anymore. I don't accept that anymore. I refuse to let my heart be broken again. So, I give up. At what point do I cut my losses and move on? This point. I can not let this control me anymore. I can not continue to allow myself to feel empty because deep down, I know that he won't... can't, fill that emptiness anymore... but he is my daddy.
Well if you ever want someone to talk to who understands, you can talk to my husband. After 28 years he had to write his mom off. He also isn't allowed to see his little sister right now. Anyway, thinking about you. I'm always here too if you need an ear
ReplyDeleteThank you!
ReplyDelete